Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween!

"Mommy... You make me sick." That's what Kole just told me. I'm assuming he's trying to blame me for his cold.

Abby likes to tell me how big my belly is getting. Good thing I have her around to keep my pride in check.

Ammon has learned to say "Uh-Oh!".
He's also been very busy teething. All. Night. Long.

Kole just ran into the room yelling, "I did a chore!" And he had! He went and cleaned up toys and dirty clothes without me even asking him! Want to know how I did it?? Too bad, that's my little secret... OK just kidding. I just started taking away toys if the kids didn't listen to me the first time I asked them to do something (like get ready for bed, etc.) And in order to earn back their toys they have to do a chore (such as pick up the living room or whatever else needs doing) and for every room/chore they clean/complete, they get ONE toy back. I've never had such GOOD cleaners!

Abby wanted to hand out the candy to the trick-or-treaters. By ALL means! Please do! There is nothing I enjoy more than going to the door every two minutes to give little greedy kids candy!

After the kids are all in bed, I go through their Halloween candy! I got me a nice little pile and set it next to me on the couch. I reached over to get some more and there sat Roger. Me: "What'd you do with my candy!?" Roger: I moved it over so I could sit by you." Me: "What makes you think I'd rather sit by you?!" Happy Halloween everybody! :)

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I. Hate. Mondays.

This is by far the weirdest Monday I've ever had. 
This morning at 2:40am we heard a knock at our door. Roger went and answered it. It was some guys here to repossess our landlord's things. Roger told them that we are just renting and the people they were looking for live in Oregon so they left. Apparently the repossessing guys come in the middle of the night... Did you know that? I didn't. We've never dealt with them before since we do this weird thing called not buying things you don't have the money for and paying your bills. We're insane, right?

Then the day pretty much went by normally... And by normally I mean normal for our family...

Then the kids were playing with the dogs in their bedroom and all of the sudden Abby runs out to tell me the dogs got out. How, you ask? Oh the kids opened their window which is above a roof ledge and the dogs jumped right out onto it and off the ledge onto the ground! So I spent the next 10 or so minutes out grabbing them and bringing them home. Lately, I really want to beat my dogs. But, I was glad we had them in the middle of the night last night as Roger was at the door and I was sitting in our bedroom ready to 'sic' them on whoever was at the door since it was taking Roger a long time and I was growing a little concerned that someone had a gun to his head!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Welcome to my Nightmare

For those of you who haven't seen the TV show 'Super Why', it's a kid's show on PBS where 4 little kids (well, one is a pig) who live in "story book village" turn into "super readers" to help solve problems in their village by reading books to find the solution to their problem. 
ANYWAY, today the kids were watching it and when the kids turn into super readers Abby said, "And do their parents know about this!?... That their kids are super heroes!?"
Then later Wyatt (the main kid) holds his phone up to the TV to show the picture on it. Abby then commented, "He shouldn't put his phone in our face..."

The kids and I were watching 'The Muppet Show' Halloween Special and it has this part on it... I suddenly realized how much his 'Welcome to my Nightmare' song fit my life and this blog in a really weird way...

Now I'm not saying having kids is a nightmare. It can be pretty darn close... But actually in all seriousness, my nightmares are WAY more morbid so I'll spare you.

Speaking of nightmares and weird dreams... I had a weird dream
 last night that I was staying at my parent's house and they had tigers in one of their bedrooms and then some guys were trying to steal my little sister's car out of their garage, so I walked into the garage, cocked my shotgun, and they left. The pansies.

Went shopping. A man asked our kids if they were groceries too and how much they cost. Roger replied, "Too much!"

Friday, October 26, 2012

The Hulk

A note to my husband:
Dear Roger, I love you, but, when will you learn that no matter how high you turn up the heat, it will NOT heat the house if you keep covering up the vents! Signed; Your loving and always right wife, Amy

Ammon used a plastic bowl to go bowling for dogs. Our dogs thoroughly enjoyed the game, I'm sure.

Kole just came into the room snoring. I look over at him and he is pretending to sleep walk.

Heard Ammon crying in a frustrated way. I came into the kitchen to find him sitting on the table and ripping open the buttons on his PJ's like the Hulk or something.

Roger: "I wonder why I'm so tired all the time."
Me: "It's probably cause you don't spend enough time with your wife... Or you're pregnant."
Roger: "Must be that. I'm most definitely pregnant."

I sneezed and said, "I think I just peed myself."

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Choking Ammon!

"Abby you're choking Ammon!!!!!" 
That's what I awoke to Kole screaming this morning. I raced to the living room to find Abby pulling on Ammon's upper body, Kole pulling on his lower body, and Ammon stuck in the tug of war crying. I quickly saved him, and the sibling wars haven't stopped since.

On a side note, Abby has already started learning to forge my name on her school papers.
Such an advanced child.
Although, something tells me her teacher wouldn't fall for it...

I was laying on the couch for a rest and Abby comes over to me, hangs over my face while she's gagging and says, "I'm going to throw up!". Really? Over my face? You're so kind.

I was getting some housework done and thought Abby and Kole were playing with their toys in their room. Turns out they got every single board game/card game we own and spread them around their room. I told them they have one hour to get it all cleaned up or I'm taking away every toy they own. Kole's now in the room talking about how he doesn't love me cause I'm a mean mommy. Sigh. Such a hard life to be a kid.

Ammon refused to nap. I wish I could!

Abby asked, "Am I going to be a giant when I grow up?". I told her that since I'm only 5' and Roger is 5' 9" she didn't have a very good chance at being a giant. She was glad about that.

Things Ammon climbed on today: Desk (fell off and got his leg stuck in between two metal bars), Kitchen Table (Threw salt shaker on the floor. I'm now seriously impressed with our glass salt shaker for not breaking when it hit the tile!), Toilet (fell off).

Ammon drank Kole's mouthwash. I already know what's a dangerous amount of fluoride for him to intake, thanks to his ridiculous addiction to toothpaste (and poison control), so I know he'll be fine and I need to have him drink milk.

My alarm on my phone went off, I heard Roger say, "Kole take that to mommy." Next thing I knew I had a phone thrown at my side.

Just got hit by a flying Frisbee. Apparently, no matter how many times we have the 'do not throw things in the house' talk, it doesn't make a difference.

Chance, (our dog) has an odd craving for crayons. I'll let Roger scoop the rainbow off the back lawn.

Abby is spending some time in her room for an attitude adjustment. She is screaming like I remember screaming when I was a TEENAGER. Isn't she too young for this?! For the love! Heaven help me!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A Day in the Life of Me

I'm sure you are all dying to know every detail of my day. So here it is, just for you. You're welcome... 
Ammon was up in the night. I was up in the night. The kids woke up. Alarm went off, two hours after the kids had gotten up.

Ammon dumped out his bowl of cereal and Abby and Kole start going off about how that makes them so mad and they are going to "move him out of the house if he doesn't stop." I told them to "stop saying stuff like that." To which Kole tells me, "You don't have to be rude about it. Jesus doesn't like when you are mean." and Abby chimes in, "Yeah, Jesus already suffered and when you are mean it makes him suffer more. To which I replied with my palm smacking my forehead.

The kids excitedly looked out the window and sang about the snow that's falling and with each flake that falls I become slightly more crazy. I. Hate. Snow. Sometimes I question if they are my children.

Found out my nephew is in the ICU.

Got Abby on the school bus. I hate snow.

Reached for my secret candy stash. Fought with the boys over my candy. They won the candy corn, but I won the Now and Laters. And it's still not even 9am. 

Hear Kole screaming, "Ammon's gonna bite me!". Go into kitchen to find both boys climbing the fridge. Take them down, put kitchen chair back at the table. Ammon brings chair back to fridge. I put chair back and divert them with some applesauce. Reward myself with applesauce for being an awesome mom. Boys then blow air into the pouches the apple sauce was in and use them for a "balloon fight".

Try to do laundry. Ammon dumps clean laundry out all over dog hairy floor. Vacuum dog hair floor. Rewash dog hair clothes. Try to fold laundry, again.

Kole comes in room sounding like he's choking. He gasps for air and coughs out the words, "Ammon is stinky." I change Ammon.

Follow trail of little wet footprints down the hallway. Find puddle. Pray it's not pee. Wipe it up. Color is questionable. Sanitize floor.

Wipe mud off the dogs when they come into the house from their potty break. Find out Ammon took that time to dump my gallon sized water jug all over my bed. Clean that up. Gag while changing Ammon, again.

Clean up the crackers that Ammon threw all over the living room. Ammon throws massive tantrum because I took the crackers away. He throws a cracker at my head and one at the computer as I type this. Apparently I missed two. Ammon bites Kole in the midst of his rage. I get a phone call and try and make it sound like I haven't just been in the middle of beating my children. Although if they would have asked if I was, I might have been tempted to say, "Yes. Please turn me in."
Ammon climbs onto my lap and wipes gobs of slobber on my face. Then I turned on Dora to give me a break, and for 22 minutes, there was peace.   

For lunch, reheated leftovers! Plus a screaming one year old, hanging on my legs and pulling my pants down, because 30 seconds is just too long to wait for that microwave. With a side of 3 year old crying, "Ammon said I'm mean!!" and me explaining, "Ammon can't talk!"
Kole won't eat. We wonder how he is still alive. Must be getting nutrients from that cup of applesauce and 4 pieces of candy he had at 8:30 this morning. Kole just told me he's hungry. But he refuses to eat anything.  

While I try and eat my lunch Ammon ends up on top of the table in front of me fishing his hands around in my drink. I take him off the table and he and Kole occupy themselves with a fight. I keep eating. I find Ammon sucking on the computer screen. I stop him, wipe off the screen, then go to finish lunch to find Ammon on the table fishing in my drink, again. I get a new drink and find Ammon on the table dumping out the salt. I get him down and take a drink to find my cup now contains salt water. Find Ammon on the table again.                                                                  
Put Ammon down for a nap as he gently tries to rip my throat open. Found food in my hair, and on my ear.
Got Abby off the bus. Put some lunch on the table for her, while she washed her hands. Found Chance our dog had taken her lunch off the table (for the first time ever!!!). Chased Chance around the house. Ready to kill him. Put him in his kennel and got Abby new lunch. Who wants a dog? 
Roger called to tell me we got paid. I was mad about Chance. Roger: "What's wrong?"
Me: "Do we have a taser?"
Roger: "No..."
Me: "We probably shouldn't buy one then. It wouldn't be safe with me."
Ammon's stinky, again.
We left for a 2 hour long drive down to my prenatal appointment. On the way down Abby asked me if the sun was made of angels. I explained the sun. They continued talking about angels for a while. Got to appointment. Heard the heartbeat. All seems to be well. Got dinner. Kole ate about 4 bites. On the way home Ammon kept himself busy by screaming like he was being murdered... The. Whole. Way. Home. Over Ammon's screaming I hear Abby say she wants to be a mom when she grows up. Kole adds that he wants to be a dad when he grows up. Finally the last 5 minutes of the drive I couldn't take the screaming anymore and started singing a song to him that had something to do with him being a stinky pants and grumpy boy. I totally made it up, that's just how good I am. That kept him happy the rest of the way home and kept Abby and Kole exploding with giggles. Got kids in bed. Chance has gas from Abby's lunch, it really stinks. I collapsed in exhaustion on the couch. Realized I have lots of cleaning that needs to be done before some ladies come over in the morning. Completely ignored the need for cleaning and decided to take a bubble bath. Except the kids are yelling about each other and I have to intervene. Guess that bubble bath will have to wait.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


So I went downstairs to our storage to find all the things I have written down to put on here. I started looking then heard a sound... It was a scratching sound.... The landlords left this house we are renting in nasty condition and it was infested with mice when we moved in. I thought the mice were all dead, but the scratching noise made me panic.
Once I found out the noise was coming from a baby car seat we have I realized I would have to take the seat off the base to find the mouse. I brought the camera and the dogs down with me in hopes that if they saw it they might kill it for me (the dogs, not the camera. The camera was strictly for your viewing pleasure). Not that I'm scared of mice or have anything against them, but I do have an issue with a disease infested rodent eating our baby car seat and nasty-ing everything up and then jumping out at me.
I was shaking and went to take the car seat off. I did and jumped back in one quick motion. Nothing came out. I looked closer and saw... A stink bug! Seriously?! All that over a stupid little stink bug that got itself stuck in the car seat base. I was very relieved, but it totally ruined the video I was making for you all. Guess me publicly humiliating myself will have to wait for another day.

Introducing Roger

Roger is my husband. A very sweet, hard working (mostly sane) guy. You'll hear about him now and then, since he does come around every so often.

Now it's time for all the stories to begin!

One day (in 2008) I told Roger about the day I had...

Roger: "Do I need to make a shoppette run to get you some chocolate?"

Me: "No, I still have some ice cream, that I've already had two bowls of today."

Roger: "Do you want me to go get you anything else?"

Me: "Sanity, motivation, patience... If they have any of those on sale, get them in bulk."

Let me bring you up to date.

I was married at 16 years old and about 4 months pregnant. And so began my journey of motherhood. 

With our first daughter I had a few complications, and they tried to induce me a week before my due date. When I say tried, I mean they failed and sent me home without a baby. Did you know that could happen!? Me either. It should be illegal. A day after my due date I ended up going to be induced again, but ended up with an emergency c-section. Our beautiful daughter, Abby, was blessed with a witty tongue. We have no idea where she gets that from. 

Two years and about two weeks later, we had our son Kole. Kole was blessed with the brains of Albert Einstein and a wild personality to match it. He learned quickly to talk, climb, and jump off of things by the age of one. The small amount of 'normal' I may have been born with was then crushed to smithereens by motherly  insanity.

Two years and about a month and a half later, I decided "Hey I'm already insane, lets pop out another kid!" So I did. Ammon is now a year and a half old and has hit his terrible 2's early. 

And you guessed it. I've really lost it and am having a 4th child. Due in April. 

You are now up to speed. For the last 4 years I've been writing down short stories about our life and this is where you lucky-duckies get to read them! Congratulations, you've just entered my padded cell. I hope you stay a while and join me for a nice hot cup of crazy.