Monday, December 10, 2012

Santa and the Economy

Life has been... Innnnttteeeerrrresting...
I won't go into detail, but, oh. my. heavens. Someone save me.

Here's a few things though:

The other night I got a sudden craving. Ran (Yes, ran. Big belly and all.) to the kitchen yelling, "Get out of my way dogs!! I'm makin' cookies!!!" Don't mess with me and my cravings or you might lose your life.

What I would like for my husband to say to me; "You've worked hard today. I can tell you are having painful contractions right now. Go sit down and I will finish putting the cookies in the oven."
What Roger actually does; Eats lots of cookie dough then says, "I'm tired... I'm going to sit down."(sigh) .... Men....

You know that horrible horror show music that plays in your mind when you open your toddlers bedroom door and smell a stinky diaper then realise the diaper is not on the toddler?? I do. I know that music all too well.

And nothing like looking at your checking account to find out one of your adorable children spent your entire family's Christmas budget on buying who knows what on their father's cell phone... How they got past having to type in our password we have no idea.
Now, to figure out how to explain Santa losing his budget for their Christmas gifts... Here's what I've come up with so far: 
1. Due to the economy, Santa had to cut down his 'nice list' to just the top 1000 nice kids... I'm sorry, but none of you made the cut... 
2. One of Santa's reindeer broke it's.... uh... wing?? and couldn't fly so they weren't able to make it out for Christmas this year... Sorry. 
3. Some of Santa's elves joined a union and went on strike... Santa had to close down his entire factory and Christmas had to be canceled. They are hoping by next year Willie Wonka and his Oompaa Loompaas will have bought the factory and saved Christmas. It would be a good decision on Wonka's part since they could get all the stocking candy from the chocolate factory...

Sunday, December 2, 2012

One of Those Days

Ever have one of those days where you wonder why in the world God chose you to be a mother? I do. Lately all the time. You know those days when you are yelling so loud that you just know that anyone who passes by your house is hearing you and muttering, "That must be what Hell is like."
Yep. That's me! And if you have no idea what I'm talking about you either don't have children or you need to get off my blog. Tonight after the kids went to bed I was taking a bath trying to relax and it hit me. Vitamin D!
Let me explain. I was on antidepressants for about 7 years and they didn't help me much. I kept telling the doctors and they would either up my dosage or change brands. Finally a genius tested my vitamin D levels. They were extremely low. He put me on majorly high doses and voila! Problem solved. Naturally I can't be on high doses all the time, so I have to watch for my symptoms to show their ugly head and start taking higher doses for a while till my levels are back to normal.
Anyway. Vitamin D! I haven't been able to keep down my prenatal vitamins at all so it makes perfect sense that I'd be low again. Oh. Thank. Heavens. I was beginning to think I was possessed and expected my head to spin around in circles at any moment!
On a side note, Abby told my sister today, "You need to get married now so you can get pregnant."

Friday, November 30, 2012

Baby #4 Is A....

So this morning when my alarm clock went off, I noticed Abby was singing along with it. Apparently, since they have me up before it goes off every morning, so they hear it every morning, she has it memorized.

Abby was singing a Christmas song they have been practicing at school for her Christmas program and I heard her sing, "Down through the chimney with Satan Nick." I then explained what a SAINT is.

I woke up this morning to hear Kole saying, "Mommy is crazy! She drives me insane!" To which Abby replied, "(Gasp!) Don't say that! Mommy isn't... very... crazy..."

Thanksgiving morning Abby sat down to breakfast and started listing off things she was thankful for, without being  asked to. That's one of those moments you think that maybe you aren't completely screwing up your children.

Mine and Roger's conversation:
Roger: "That's not what I said."
Me: "It's what you meant."
Roger: "No. That's what you wanted to hear."
Me: "That's not what I wanted to hear. That's what you meant. Women hear what men mean, not what they say."

We found out we are having a baby girl!!! On the way home from the ultrasound Abby had heartburn and she was whining about it. After about an hour of whining she screamed, "NOW I CAN'T FEEL MY FEET!!! I CAN'T FEEL MY FEET!! MY TUMMY HURTS AND NOW I CAN'T FEEL MY FEET!" I told her they were in no way related and that she was fine, they had just fallen asleep. Drama queen. When we got home Roger told me he lost his job.

The kids wouldn't stop scooting the chairs around the kitchen and using them as stools to get into things. So, I taped the chair legs to the table legs. It's worked so far!

We got Ammon up from his nap and he was poopy... But his diaper was missing...

Kole, with his mouth, "PPPPPP! (a farting noise) Ammon farted!" Nice try dude, but you are going to have to do better than that when you try and get your brother in trouble.

Roger: "Sorry I was wrong."
Me: "you always are."
Roger: "I was right about one thing though..."
Me: "marrying me?"
Roger: "yup!"
Me: "yeah I know. I was the one who was wrong there." ;) good thing we both have the same sarcastic humor.

Friday, November 16, 2012

The Naughty List

Ammon is in the 'try on every one's shoes and wear them through the house' stage. His head has bruises on it's bruises because the big shoes cause him to face plant it all the time.

The couch and the boys are covered in Rice Crispy cereal.

Abby and Kole are playing with some stuffed animals and Abby's bird was crying saying how her "baby was killed by the bird catcher.". Kole then explained, "Don't worry. She will still be your baby in heaven."

Kole hasn't been listening to me, like, at all... So I sent him this thinking it might encourage him to listen:
He broke into tears when it told him he's not on the 'nice' list yet. BUT an hour after he watched it, he still wasn't listening to me so I put him in his room until he is ready to listen. He is now in there crying, "I'm on the naughty list! I'm on the naughty list!" Who gets the best mother of the year award? Not me!
I do believe, I am on the 'naughty list'.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


Last Friday night after the kids went to bed Roger lit the fireplace and put a cushion on the rug in front of it and asked me to come sit in front of the fire with him.
Me: "Oh no you don't. I know what guys have in mind when they want a girl to sit by the fire with them."
Roger: "What do you mean?"
Me: "You know exactly what I mean. I know what guys are like."
Roger: "Oh you have experience, huh?"
Me: (Give him that 'shut up' look) "You know what I mean!"
Eventually I gave in and snuggled with him in front of the fire. He then started squeezing my head.
Me: "Why are you squeezing my head like that?"
Roger: "It makes me closer to you."
Me: (unable to control the urge, I burst into song) "AAAAHHHHHHHHH! CLOSE TO YOU!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH! CLOSE TO YOU!!!!"
It sounded a lot like Elliot (the boy deer) in this video (at 1:35 if you want to skip to it).
The weekend was great! I told Roger I needed the weekend "off" because it was exhausted. He agreed to that. So my weekend "off" included, a 2 hour grocery shopping trip with him and the kids at 6:30 am on Saturday morning. Then coming home and cooking lunch. Then baking and cooking and cooking some more with a bunch of cleaning on the side. Sunday included going to church, then coming home and cooking and baking and cooking some more, with a bit of cleaning on the side. Roger did some dishes, broke up some of the kids' fights, got them to bed, and helped with baths. It was actually, believe it or not, a huge break (even though I hate grocery shopping, cleaning, and cooking/baking).

Kole has continued his destructive streak. Yesterday while Roger was at work Kole went to the bathroom. After him being in there a while I went in to find he had drawn with crayon all over the toilet, garbage can, and floor. We sat in there for about 2 hours while he scrubbed that up, crying the whole time about how it wasn't coming off and how hard it was. Hopefully he learned his lesson, but since he has had to scrub permanent marker off the wall and crayon off the windows this month and obviously didn't learn a great lesson from having to do that....

Kole also gave Chance a hair cut! Some how Kole got a hold of the scissors and cut a chunk of hair off the top of Chance's head, off the back of his neck, out of his side, and off the tip of his tail.

Kole ran into the edge of the counter and split his forehead open. Abby was in a panic and cried as she went to get a band aid for me to put on him. Kole had surprisingly very little reaction about the blood. Hope he was in shock or something.

I turned on some Mickey Mouse songs on and the kids are being entertained by dancing and making shadows on the living room wall. It's rather fun to watch.

Got the kids to bed, after much fighting between Abby and Kole.

Chased a 1 year old yogurt monster (aka Ammon), who was running back and forth across the table to avoid being wiped up.

Took Abby to a birthday party and Kole was upset that he couldn't go too... So we came home and made rice crispy treats while listening to 'Scripture Scouts'.
(For those who might be wondering about Scripture Scouts, I highly recommend it! They are audio stories about a group of kids that act out scripture stories and my kids have learned more from them then they have from me telling them the scripture stories 3 million times.

While reading an email from Abby's Kindergarten teacher about her concern about Abby's fear of going to the bathroom by herself at school, Ammon came strolling into the room covered in white cream with a tube of diaper rash cream in his hand. I went and cleaned him up, then came back to the computer and started typing. I then noticed the back of my hand was covered in diaper rash cream.

Got Abby from her party. Sat down and talked to her about her bathroom fear. She told me there is a crack in the bathroom ceiling that she thinks spiders will come out of. I told her the school sprays for bugs so if any spiders were in there they would die. She accepted that answer and said she'd go by herself tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

Abby shared her tootsie rolls from her party goodie bag and Kole was standing there chewing one of those huge ones and talking and suddenly I look over to see a string of slobber from his mouth all the way down to the floor. Those tootsie rolls sure make your mouth water don't they?

Abby and Kole are standing on the back porch throwing snowballs at the dogs and laughing wickedly. They are slightly twisted children. It's still a mystery to me where they get that from.

The kids had a race of who could get ready for bed the fastest. Abby won and came in and did a victory dance that reminded me a lot of this:

Abby told us that the other night she had a nightmare that a giant monster was chasing the bus. I pictured it and couldn't help but laugh.

I know I don't sugar coat things. I'm rather sarcastic. And I don't pretend motherhood is picture perfect. Motherhood is HARD! Motherhood is Frustrating! 98% of the time I want to scream and stomp and pull my hair out. Motherhood is even downright disgusting (there are a lot of bodily fluids). Motherhood pushes every patience button you didn't even know you had! Motherhood is painful! Motherhood is stinky! Motherhood is exhausting!
AND Motherhood is worth it.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Wild Things and Honey

Ammon's been rather good today. I guess he knew I had no extra patience.
Kole has been crying non-stop since he woke up. NOT. EVEN. EXAGGERATING.

He also got the honey out of the pantry. Sweet, ooey gooey, sticky, honey and dumped the entire bottle all over the pantry shelves and floor. He got a swat on the behind (He deserved it. He knows better.) and put in his room until dinnertime and he is presently in there crying about how I'm a bad mom.

 You know that book 'Where the Wild Things Are'?... Yeah, that's our house. Our house is where the wild things are.

Abby while cutting up some papers for her homework page, cut up little pieces of paper and spread them all over the bedrooms and living room. I was in the kitchen, hence the no paper in the kitchen.

Talked to my mom on the phone and mentioned our snow (about a foot deep now) and she thought it wise to tell me she was in her backyard, barefooted, watering her palm tree. I'm moving south for the winter. And I'm not taking my kids with me. I'm tempted to call child services on myself some days and tell them I'm not fit to be a mother, because lets face it, prison would be such a nice break.

During dinner I went to go lay down because "morning sickness" hangs onto me night and day, the whole 9 months. Then I discovered Kole had used his spoon to catapult his egg drop soup all over the kitchen. What a dear. That is why I have dogs. The floor was cleaned up for me.

Roger got home and asked why Ammon is always running around pants-less when he gets home. I explained that, " 'bout mid-day everyday he just decides he's done with 'em and drops 'em where he stands".

Sometimes I ask Roger how I got to be a mother because I feel like I'm terrible at it. He usually replies, "Well, when a man and a woman love each other...." then he gets whacked with the closest pillow I can grab.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Mutant Aliens and Klingon's

I told Abby to go get dressed for school. She replied, "I am dressed." No, Abby, just because you refused to get PJ's on last night so you wore your clothes from yesterday to bed, does NOT mean you are dressed for today.

I was laying down and Abby came up and started poking my belly and talking to the baby, "I love you, baby, but you better be a girl."

Why I love German Pancakes:
1. Kole will eat them!
2. I almost ALWAYS have the ingredients for them.
3. Who doesn't love eating food that looks like a deformed/ mutant alien forming in the oven?

Kole, our natural born vegetarian asked to try a bite of chicken today! I was so excited thinking maybe he was growing out of his non-meat taste. He took the bite, chewed for a while, then spit it in the garbage. We really question if he is our child sometimes.

Abby got home from school and I asked her what they did. She said they didn't do any letters or numbers, or even read anything, but they DID play on the playground twice and practiced the 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' song. Well, as long as she's learning the important stuff right?

Got my swimsuit on and gave the dogs a long overdue bath. Do you know how hard it is to wash a dog that is the size of a full grown human on all fours, in a shower that is 3'-3'? Roxy is pretty easy since she just moves and does what I tell her, but Chance hates water, lays down, and plays dead on the shower floor. After about 2 hours (with the kids watching through the shower door laughing, it's more entertaining than TV!) I had both dogs clean and mostly dry and let them out and went to shower the hair off of myself. I got out and found that the kids had let the dogs outside and Chance had rolled in the dirt. That whole ordeal was completely worth my time.
Roxy is the dark colored one, Chance is the light one.

It's stormy today, which means my joints ache. Don't know why, they just always have, although they got better for a while while we didn't live at high altitudes, so I think it might have something to do with that. My entire childhood my mom had to rub Bengay cream on my hips, knees, and ankles every night so I could get any sleep... Must have cost them a fortune in Bengay.

Ammon fell down the stairs today. Got a nice lump on his forehead. (Hard to see in the picture because of my cell's crappy flash.)
I don't know about you, but it kind of reminds me of one of those Klingon people from Star Trek with the weird foreheads... And no, I didn't know they were called Klingon's, Roger told me.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Raising Criminals... It's What I Do.

EVERYTHING her teacher sends home, Abby feels the need to forge my signature and sign off everything herself. I think we have a criminal in the making...
So our family was having dinner and Roger and I were talking about the latest results on the election and Kole says, "I don't like Obama." I asked, "Why?" Kole replied, "Cause he eats babies." I am not so sure about that, but... I could be wrong...
For the record, I did correct Kole and tell him Obama doesn't eat babies.
Does anyone know if it's illegal to restrain your children with duct tape??
(It's a joke! Ha. Ha.)
I. JUST. CHANGED. THIS. SHIRT... JUST CHANGED IT!!! Can you kids not allow my clothes to stay clean for 5 minutes!? That's all I ask! I have spaghetti sauce on my recently clean shirt and... ew. Is that a booger on my pants?? (sigh) I guess I'm changing again... No wonder I do so much laundry.
Speaking of laundry. I just finished it all yesterday and had the kids put their own away like usual. Well, apparently with it ALL done at one time the excess just didn't fit into Kole's drawer. I later found all that hard laundress work gone to waste with most of his clean clothes scattered around their bedroom.
I also found gum stuck to their bedroom floor. Stupid Halloween candy. They snuck it off the top of the fridge.
I also found them in their room today with the permanent markers, and their mattresses pulled off their beds, drawing on the board that goes under the mattress, and oh yes, some lines on the wall... And their bodies and faces. They got to use the magic erasers. THIS is why I can't clean my house! I do one room and this happens in another!
At dinner Roger was talking about his drive home and Abby butts in, "hey guess what! My class isn't allowed to fart in school!" I explained that's because it's not polite and Abby replies, "well I fart on the playground outside." (sigh) what a dainty daughter I have.
Just walked into the room to find Roger and the kids singing to the tune of 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'... Their lyrics went, "mommy had some crazy kids. Crazy kids. Crazy kids. Mommy had some crazy kids. And they drove her nuts.
Things Ammon broke today: A few toys, the plug thing in the sink, some panels off of the fireplace, the computer (well messed it up anyway), and last but not least, a fluorescent light bulb (Believe it or not none of those things are a first... That little devil can get to anything, even the ceiling!)

And to finish the post... A video a friend sent me because it had my "name written all over it". Haha! Some people know me too well.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Free Toddler

Woke up in the night to Ammon coughing and gasping for air. Ran into his room and made sure he was alright. Decided to bring him back to our bed to sleep with us in case it happened again. Didn't get any sleep,  but did get Ammon pressing his face against mine and hugging my neck, so I didn't mind.

Had a wrestling match with Ammon. Pinned him to the ground with my legs. All just to wipe his snotty nose.

Went to empty the dishwasher. Discovered Ammon had put his dirty bowl that had dry cereal in it onto the rack. Shredded Mini Wheat were everywhere, but I told him he was a good helper and he replied with a "yeah".

Ammon tried to feed Chance his food. I allow the dogs to eat it off the floor and such, but with Ammon giving it right to him he was starting to take food from Ammon thinking it was free game. So as soon as I saw Ammon put it on the floor in front of Chance and Chance took it I went over laid that dog out (that weighs as much as me) opened his mouth, reached down his throat, (I could see the food cause he had tried to swallow it whole and didn't succeed) pulled it out and threw it away. That's right. I'm hard core. Don't mess with me.

Roger called and told me we were going on a road trip this weekend. He had a job interview in St. George, 5 hours away. So I got everything packed and ready to go with much "help" from the kids. I remembered to pack everything, except my clothes. He got the offer, but the job ended up being one of those door to door salesmen people, so he turned it down. Oh well, at least we got to spend the weekend with family instead of the original plan of cleaning house.

While we were down in St. George we went hiking on the red cliffs. We discovered Kole has a fear of heights. He screamed the whole time. Everyone on the hills nearby were staring at us like they were in decision to call child services because we must have been torturing that poor child. It was a fun family outing for sure.

We got back home last night and just put the sleeping kids right into their beds. Abby woke up with a bad dream about some bad person taking a kid. I got her to go back to sleep and have since been feeling very sick and faint, don't know how much of that cleaning I'll be able to get done.

Kole cleaned up toys and books. Ammon then dumped all the books back onto the floor. Kole came into the room crying because he had a lunch bag stuck on his head. Ammon is sitting next to me singing.

Ammon was kind enough to escort me to the bathroom, so I taught him how to play with the empty toilet paper roll. He then stood on the stool and copied me as I washed my hands and even tried to copy my whistling. Yes, I whistle a lot.

Kole was using the bathroom and came out telling me he needed a band aid. His thumb was gushing blood. We went back to the bathroom to wash it and get him a band aid and I walked in to find Roger's face razor on the floor surrounded in blood. We got everything cleaned up and had a talk about the "little knives" that are on razors and had the "that's why I've told you not to not touch them" talk.

Ammon drank vinegar. He now knows he doesn't like vinegar.

You know those days where you can't handle all the crap you've accumulated and you just go crazy and throw out everything in sight? I do.
Goodbye three bags of trash and 2 bags of toys.

Having my one year old "help" me do dishes makes me want to put a 'Free Toddler' ad in the newspaper.
Having the 'Free Toddler' choke during lunch and having to preform the Heimlich maneuver makes me realize I'm really invested and love this kid so I decided not to put the ad out.

Got the dishwasher powder soap all cleaned up off the kitchen floor... And out of my bra. Not sure how that happened.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Ain't That a Shame

It's NOVEMBER!!! One of my favorite months! No, not because it's my birthday month, but because of Thanksgiving!!! Thanksgiving and the 4th of July are my absolute favorites! I love getting together with my huge family and eating good food! What could be better than that?

This morning Kole dumped Abby's basket of hair things (elastics, bows, etc.) all over the couch. I told him if he wanted a snack, he had to clean them up. So as he threw his little tantrum on the living room floor, and the stairs, and his bedroom, and the kitchen, I found myself singing the chorus to the song by Fat Domino, 'Ain't That a Shame'. I'm terribly sympathetic in case you haven't noticed.
For those of you who weren't raised with the good oldies... 

Chorus says: Ain't that a shame.
My tears fell like rain.
Ain't that a shame.
You're the one to blame.

Had a taquito thrown at my face.

Out of all the Halloween candy, Kole is eating smarties and singing, "I'm eating smarties. I'm a smartie."

The kids have been WILD today. More than normal. I called Roger to see if he was off work yet, he had just gotten off and has a 50 min commute home (if traffic is good). I told him, "You should probably hurry like your children's lives depend on it... Because they might."

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween!

"Mommy... You make me sick." That's what Kole just told me. I'm assuming he's trying to blame me for his cold.

Abby likes to tell me how big my belly is getting. Good thing I have her around to keep my pride in check.

Ammon has learned to say "Uh-Oh!".
He's also been very busy teething. All. Night. Long.

Kole just ran into the room yelling, "I did a chore!" And he had! He went and cleaned up toys and dirty clothes without me even asking him! Want to know how I did it?? Too bad, that's my little secret... OK just kidding. I just started taking away toys if the kids didn't listen to me the first time I asked them to do something (like get ready for bed, etc.) And in order to earn back their toys they have to do a chore (such as pick up the living room or whatever else needs doing) and for every room/chore they clean/complete, they get ONE toy back. I've never had such GOOD cleaners!

Abby wanted to hand out the candy to the trick-or-treaters. By ALL means! Please do! There is nothing I enjoy more than going to the door every two minutes to give little greedy kids candy!

After the kids are all in bed, I go through their Halloween candy! I got me a nice little pile and set it next to me on the couch. I reached over to get some more and there sat Roger. Me: "What'd you do with my candy!?" Roger: I moved it over so I could sit by you." Me: "What makes you think I'd rather sit by you?!" Happy Halloween everybody! :)

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I. Hate. Mondays.

This is by far the weirdest Monday I've ever had. 
This morning at 2:40am we heard a knock at our door. Roger went and answered it. It was some guys here to repossess our landlord's things. Roger told them that we are just renting and the people they were looking for live in Oregon so they left. Apparently the repossessing guys come in the middle of the night... Did you know that? I didn't. We've never dealt with them before since we do this weird thing called not buying things you don't have the money for and paying your bills. We're insane, right?

Then the day pretty much went by normally... And by normally I mean normal for our family...

Then the kids were playing with the dogs in their bedroom and all of the sudden Abby runs out to tell me the dogs got out. How, you ask? Oh the kids opened their window which is above a roof ledge and the dogs jumped right out onto it and off the ledge onto the ground! So I spent the next 10 or so minutes out grabbing them and bringing them home. Lately, I really want to beat my dogs. But, I was glad we had them in the middle of the night last night as Roger was at the door and I was sitting in our bedroom ready to 'sic' them on whoever was at the door since it was taking Roger a long time and I was growing a little concerned that someone had a gun to his head!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Welcome to my Nightmare

For those of you who haven't seen the TV show 'Super Why', it's a kid's show on PBS where 4 little kids (well, one is a pig) who live in "story book village" turn into "super readers" to help solve problems in their village by reading books to find the solution to their problem. 
ANYWAY, today the kids were watching it and when the kids turn into super readers Abby said, "And do their parents know about this!?... That their kids are super heroes!?"
Then later Wyatt (the main kid) holds his phone up to the TV to show the picture on it. Abby then commented, "He shouldn't put his phone in our face..."

The kids and I were watching 'The Muppet Show' Halloween Special and it has this part on it... I suddenly realized how much his 'Welcome to my Nightmare' song fit my life and this blog in a really weird way...

Now I'm not saying having kids is a nightmare. It can be pretty darn close... But actually in all seriousness, my nightmares are WAY more morbid so I'll spare you.

Speaking of nightmares and weird dreams... I had a weird dream
 last night that I was staying at my parent's house and they had tigers in one of their bedrooms and then some guys were trying to steal my little sister's car out of their garage, so I walked into the garage, cocked my shotgun, and they left. The pansies.

Went shopping. A man asked our kids if they were groceries too and how much they cost. Roger replied, "Too much!"

Friday, October 26, 2012

The Hulk

A note to my husband:
Dear Roger, I love you, but, when will you learn that no matter how high you turn up the heat, it will NOT heat the house if you keep covering up the vents! Signed; Your loving and always right wife, Amy

Ammon used a plastic bowl to go bowling for dogs. Our dogs thoroughly enjoyed the game, I'm sure.

Kole just came into the room snoring. I look over at him and he is pretending to sleep walk.

Heard Ammon crying in a frustrated way. I came into the kitchen to find him sitting on the table and ripping open the buttons on his PJ's like the Hulk or something.

Roger: "I wonder why I'm so tired all the time."
Me: "It's probably cause you don't spend enough time with your wife... Or you're pregnant."
Roger: "Must be that. I'm most definitely pregnant."

I sneezed and said, "I think I just peed myself."

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Choking Ammon!

"Abby you're choking Ammon!!!!!" 
That's what I awoke to Kole screaming this morning. I raced to the living room to find Abby pulling on Ammon's upper body, Kole pulling on his lower body, and Ammon stuck in the tug of war crying. I quickly saved him, and the sibling wars haven't stopped since.

On a side note, Abby has already started learning to forge my name on her school papers.
Such an advanced child.
Although, something tells me her teacher wouldn't fall for it...

I was laying on the couch for a rest and Abby comes over to me, hangs over my face while she's gagging and says, "I'm going to throw up!". Really? Over my face? You're so kind.

I was getting some housework done and thought Abby and Kole were playing with their toys in their room. Turns out they got every single board game/card game we own and spread them around their room. I told them they have one hour to get it all cleaned up or I'm taking away every toy they own. Kole's now in the room talking about how he doesn't love me cause I'm a mean mommy. Sigh. Such a hard life to be a kid.

Ammon refused to nap. I wish I could!

Abby asked, "Am I going to be a giant when I grow up?". I told her that since I'm only 5' and Roger is 5' 9" she didn't have a very good chance at being a giant. She was glad about that.

Things Ammon climbed on today: Desk (fell off and got his leg stuck in between two metal bars), Kitchen Table (Threw salt shaker on the floor. I'm now seriously impressed with our glass salt shaker for not breaking when it hit the tile!), Toilet (fell off).

Ammon drank Kole's mouthwash. I already know what's a dangerous amount of fluoride for him to intake, thanks to his ridiculous addiction to toothpaste (and poison control), so I know he'll be fine and I need to have him drink milk.

My alarm on my phone went off, I heard Roger say, "Kole take that to mommy." Next thing I knew I had a phone thrown at my side.

Just got hit by a flying Frisbee. Apparently, no matter how many times we have the 'do not throw things in the house' talk, it doesn't make a difference.

Chance, (our dog) has an odd craving for crayons. I'll let Roger scoop the rainbow off the back lawn.

Abby is spending some time in her room for an attitude adjustment. She is screaming like I remember screaming when I was a TEENAGER. Isn't she too young for this?! For the love! Heaven help me!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A Day in the Life of Me

I'm sure you are all dying to know every detail of my day. So here it is, just for you. You're welcome... 
Ammon was up in the night. I was up in the night. The kids woke up. Alarm went off, two hours after the kids had gotten up.

Ammon dumped out his bowl of cereal and Abby and Kole start going off about how that makes them so mad and they are going to "move him out of the house if he doesn't stop." I told them to "stop saying stuff like that." To which Kole tells me, "You don't have to be rude about it. Jesus doesn't like when you are mean." and Abby chimes in, "Yeah, Jesus already suffered and when you are mean it makes him suffer more. To which I replied with my palm smacking my forehead.

The kids excitedly looked out the window and sang about the snow that's falling and with each flake that falls I become slightly more crazy. I. Hate. Snow. Sometimes I question if they are my children.

Found out my nephew is in the ICU.

Got Abby on the school bus. I hate snow.

Reached for my secret candy stash. Fought with the boys over my candy. They won the candy corn, but I won the Now and Laters. And it's still not even 9am. 

Hear Kole screaming, "Ammon's gonna bite me!". Go into kitchen to find both boys climbing the fridge. Take them down, put kitchen chair back at the table. Ammon brings chair back to fridge. I put chair back and divert them with some applesauce. Reward myself with applesauce for being an awesome mom. Boys then blow air into the pouches the apple sauce was in and use them for a "balloon fight".

Try to do laundry. Ammon dumps clean laundry out all over dog hairy floor. Vacuum dog hair floor. Rewash dog hair clothes. Try to fold laundry, again.

Kole comes in room sounding like he's choking. He gasps for air and coughs out the words, "Ammon is stinky." I change Ammon.

Follow trail of little wet footprints down the hallway. Find puddle. Pray it's not pee. Wipe it up. Color is questionable. Sanitize floor.

Wipe mud off the dogs when they come into the house from their potty break. Find out Ammon took that time to dump my gallon sized water jug all over my bed. Clean that up. Gag while changing Ammon, again.

Clean up the crackers that Ammon threw all over the living room. Ammon throws massive tantrum because I took the crackers away. He throws a cracker at my head and one at the computer as I type this. Apparently I missed two. Ammon bites Kole in the midst of his rage. I get a phone call and try and make it sound like I haven't just been in the middle of beating my children. Although if they would have asked if I was, I might have been tempted to say, "Yes. Please turn me in."
Ammon climbs onto my lap and wipes gobs of slobber on my face. Then I turned on Dora to give me a break, and for 22 minutes, there was peace.   

For lunch, reheated leftovers! Plus a screaming one year old, hanging on my legs and pulling my pants down, because 30 seconds is just too long to wait for that microwave. With a side of 3 year old crying, "Ammon said I'm mean!!" and me explaining, "Ammon can't talk!"
Kole won't eat. We wonder how he is still alive. Must be getting nutrients from that cup of applesauce and 4 pieces of candy he had at 8:30 this morning. Kole just told me he's hungry. But he refuses to eat anything.  

While I try and eat my lunch Ammon ends up on top of the table in front of me fishing his hands around in my drink. I take him off the table and he and Kole occupy themselves with a fight. I keep eating. I find Ammon sucking on the computer screen. I stop him, wipe off the screen, then go to finish lunch to find Ammon on the table fishing in my drink, again. I get a new drink and find Ammon on the table dumping out the salt. I get him down and take a drink to find my cup now contains salt water. Find Ammon on the table again.                                                                  
Put Ammon down for a nap as he gently tries to rip my throat open. Found food in my hair, and on my ear.
Got Abby off the bus. Put some lunch on the table for her, while she washed her hands. Found Chance our dog had taken her lunch off the table (for the first time ever!!!). Chased Chance around the house. Ready to kill him. Put him in his kennel and got Abby new lunch. Who wants a dog? 
Roger called to tell me we got paid. I was mad about Chance. Roger: "What's wrong?"
Me: "Do we have a taser?"
Roger: "No..."
Me: "We probably shouldn't buy one then. It wouldn't be safe with me."
Ammon's stinky, again.
We left for a 2 hour long drive down to my prenatal appointment. On the way down Abby asked me if the sun was made of angels. I explained the sun. They continued talking about angels for a while. Got to appointment. Heard the heartbeat. All seems to be well. Got dinner. Kole ate about 4 bites. On the way home Ammon kept himself busy by screaming like he was being murdered... The. Whole. Way. Home. Over Ammon's screaming I hear Abby say she wants to be a mom when she grows up. Kole adds that he wants to be a dad when he grows up. Finally the last 5 minutes of the drive I couldn't take the screaming anymore and started singing a song to him that had something to do with him being a stinky pants and grumpy boy. I totally made it up, that's just how good I am. That kept him happy the rest of the way home and kept Abby and Kole exploding with giggles. Got kids in bed. Chance has gas from Abby's lunch, it really stinks. I collapsed in exhaustion on the couch. Realized I have lots of cleaning that needs to be done before some ladies come over in the morning. Completely ignored the need for cleaning and decided to take a bubble bath. Except the kids are yelling about each other and I have to intervene. Guess that bubble bath will have to wait.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


So I went downstairs to our storage to find all the things I have written down to put on here. I started looking then heard a sound... It was a scratching sound.... The landlords left this house we are renting in nasty condition and it was infested with mice when we moved in. I thought the mice were all dead, but the scratching noise made me panic.
Once I found out the noise was coming from a baby car seat we have I realized I would have to take the seat off the base to find the mouse. I brought the camera and the dogs down with me in hopes that if they saw it they might kill it for me (the dogs, not the camera. The camera was strictly for your viewing pleasure). Not that I'm scared of mice or have anything against them, but I do have an issue with a disease infested rodent eating our baby car seat and nasty-ing everything up and then jumping out at me.
I was shaking and went to take the car seat off. I did and jumped back in one quick motion. Nothing came out. I looked closer and saw... A stink bug! Seriously?! All that over a stupid little stink bug that got itself stuck in the car seat base. I was very relieved, but it totally ruined the video I was making for you all. Guess me publicly humiliating myself will have to wait for another day.

Introducing Roger

Roger is my husband. A very sweet, hard working (mostly sane) guy. You'll hear about him now and then, since he does come around every so often.

Now it's time for all the stories to begin!

One day (in 2008) I told Roger about the day I had...

Roger: "Do I need to make a shoppette run to get you some chocolate?"

Me: "No, I still have some ice cream, that I've already had two bowls of today."

Roger: "Do you want me to go get you anything else?"

Me: "Sanity, motivation, patience... If they have any of those on sale, get them in bulk."

Let me bring you up to date.

I was married at 16 years old and about 4 months pregnant. And so began my journey of motherhood. 

With our first daughter I had a few complications, and they tried to induce me a week before my due date. When I say tried, I mean they failed and sent me home without a baby. Did you know that could happen!? Me either. It should be illegal. A day after my due date I ended up going to be induced again, but ended up with an emergency c-section. Our beautiful daughter, Abby, was blessed with a witty tongue. We have no idea where she gets that from. 

Two years and about two weeks later, we had our son Kole. Kole was blessed with the brains of Albert Einstein and a wild personality to match it. He learned quickly to talk, climb, and jump off of things by the age of one. The small amount of 'normal' I may have been born with was then crushed to smithereens by motherly  insanity.

Two years and about a month and a half later, I decided "Hey I'm already insane, lets pop out another kid!" So I did. Ammon is now a year and a half old and has hit his terrible 2's early. 

And you guessed it. I've really lost it and am having a 4th child. Due in April. 

You are now up to speed. For the last 4 years I've been writing down short stories about our life and this is where you lucky-duckies get to read them! Congratulations, you've just entered my padded cell. I hope you stay a while and join me for a nice hot cup of crazy.